It’s funny how somebody can grow on you. Logically I am the most head strong person I know. I never lose focus towards a goal. I’m what you might call a dick. I’ve always got a plan, and I’m always thinking. I’m a guy who if somebody attempts to blackmail, I’ll say fuck you, and take myself out, just so you don’t have the pleasure of fucking me over. I can tell when someone is trying to get an edge on me. I’ve never been one to be scared in front of an authoritative figure. The reason is, people don’t scare me, because I always come out on top.

Having said all this, recently somebody has just invaded my mind. No logical reason should this girl be in my head. She doesn’t really seem to like me. I mean she does, but not to the level I do. Not that I’m upset, because I have come to understand not everybody cares like I do. Still, I hate when I see her get excited about another guy. I feel like I just get passed over. At first it doesn’t bother me, because I acknowledge proximity as an obstacle. Yet 3 of the last 4 have been all over the map.(check my math) I guess it just comes down to me not really having a shot. Normally i can logically just say, oh well fuck it.

The problem is I haven’t been able to drop it. I’m tired of saying oh well, the next one is yours. Well I don’t want it to be the next one. I’m tired of fate dictating life. This is the life I want, and I’m tired of being patient. I was in love once before in life, and she engulfed me. It was sorta effortless, but it just took hold. I’ve seen prettier, and have had fun nights. Just talking, and dancing. No sex but just having a good time. Eventually having the feeling of I want to talk to them already even though they just left. Still that’s not the same as this engulfing feeling.

What makes it worst is, every guy falls in love with her. So she’s come to not appreciate the rarity of finding somebody. She’s meet a lot of dick heads, and guys fucking with her emotions. So no wonder she’s hesitant. Then my friend is retarded, so I’m sure I’ve become associated with the a-hole, so that’s probably not in my favor. Once again I want to shake all this off, because it hurts every time. I get a glimmer of hope, but this is self inflicted. She does nothing to flirt with me, but you just can’t help it. As head strong as I am, my heart is even stronger. Once something gets in there everything is fucked. I’ve been trying to get rich since I was 14, because I want it. That’s 17 years now of no success yet, I’m still pushing. but rich is just an idea, and I have no idea if i’m going to enjoy it. I mostly want to make it, just to make it, and prove to everybody I’m not retarded. But her….she is just instantly great to be around. It’s not a myth or some dream in my head. She’s beautiful, and she just brightens the day.

I’ve got to stop though, because it’s not going anywhere. yeah we are friends, but I don’t accept it. I always said I want my wife to be my best friend. Somebody who you just love, and it’s not for their body, but just to be with. Everyday you talk, and the conversation never gets old. That’s the person I want, and that’s the person she is to me…..oh well



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